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Your Children Should Not Suffer Because of Divorce
by Ralph Crainer
http://www.divorcey.com
Divorce is, tragically, a family affair, and the ones who
suffer the most are the children of the couple divorcing.
That couple must carefully consider the repercussions that
their divorce will have on their child or children. These
children feel lost and insecure when parents divorce, and
don't think that just because you children are older, they
will not feel it as well. Lots of children blame themselves
for divorce. Parents must make the transition easy.
You should never fight in front of your children under
normal circumstance, but make sure you do not fight in
front of them about issues that will directly affect them
in the divorce. For instance, be sure to avoid a fight when
you have to discuss topics such as child support, custody,
etc. Children will feel even more lost and insecure and
guilty when they hear these arguments.
And never use your children as a pawn in the fight against
your spouse. Children suffer irredeemable damage when they
have to listen to a parent being constantly criticized.
When the criticism is by the other parent, it is very hard
for the child to reconcile these two realities.Children are
frequently used in custody battles, especially when one
spouse wants to hurt the other. It is difficult to believe
that a parent loves a child when the parent is able to
inflict that kind of pain on the child.
Communication is not always at its best during divorce
proceedings, or even after the fact. You must remember,
however, that our children are neither messengers nor
spies. If you have something to discuss with the other
parent, then make direct contact, and keep it civil. In
spite of how you may feel about the person, this is also
the children's parent, and they still love that parent,
just as they love you.
The change that divorce brings to a child's life is major
and dramatic. Parents have to try to keep other changes
at a minimum so the child can adjust gradually to this new
life. Try to avoid changing residence or schools, at least
for a while. If you are the parent who has to move out of
the residence, remember to remind your child(ren) that you
are still the parent and will always be there for them. Try
to maintain stability in the parts of their lives that have
not been touched by divorce. Making sure you keep up with
child support is another important aspect of divorce. Their
lives have been significantly affected by the divorce; to
force them to live in a lower life style now is unfair.
Working with your ex-spouse to ensure that a common
philosophy of discipline is consistent between the two
households is essential to maintaining your children's
stability and security. Looking forward to going to "dad's
house" because he gives them everything that they want
without appropriate punishments, when necessary, rather
than staying at "mom's house," where discipline is enforced
is one scenario that you should avoid creating for your
children.
A common problem, but one that should be avoided at all
costs, is to criticize and ridicule your ex spouse in front
of your children. You have to remember that kids always
feel torn between their mom and their dad in the case of
divorce, and now, to hear bad things about either one of
them makes their pain, loss and guilt even worse.No matter
how angry you get with your spouse, don't use your children
as a sounding board for your negative feelings. Children
always have to see their parents as pillars of strength
they can rely on; don't destroy this pillar for your child.
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